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The Daily Hayley

A BLOG BY HAYLEY HODSON

Medical Retirement

6/20/2017

32 Comments

 

Twelve years ago, I picked up a volleyball and learned to play a sport with which I would soon fall in love. It would bring me some of my happiest moments, a sense of peace despite the awkwardness of adolescence, a chance to travel to so many interesting places, the honor of getting to represent the USA, and admission to Stanford University. But, despite all these good things, playing volleyball has not been all fun and games. While training with the USA Women’s National Team during high school, I suffered my first two concussions. Hit first in a USA scrimmage, and then the next morning at a club tournament, I went two days before realizing that the ‘in-a-fog’ feeling was actually a concussion. I recovered after about a month, but not without complications that included a CT scan and a trip to the ER. However, I was told that concussions were no big deal and that I could return to play without fear. So, I did.
​
A little over a year later, I received another concussion during a practice at Stanford. I was asked to play defense on the 8-foot line and defend the hits of our super-talented middle hitters without a block to protect me. I received a ball to the side of my forehead, unable to react in time to a hit of such high velocity coming from such a close distance. I tried to protect my face by turning to the side but instead, received my third concussion to the exact same part of my forehead that had been hit twice before. Stanford’s aggressive concussion protocol had me on a plane traveling to our away games in Washington the following day, working out 48 hours later, sitting courtside in a loud, visually stimulating gymnasium for our match vs. UW just four days after the initial impact, and playing in a televised match on day six. I was pressured into believing that I was okay and put on a court while still cognitively compromised. I didn’t realize it, but I never really got better. When I got hit in the head while blocking at UCLA two weeks later, I looked over at the sideline where my coach and trainer stood and realized that they weren’t going to sub me out despite the ball that had just ricocheted off my head into the rafters of Pauley Pavilion. So, I shook it off and got ready to serve-receive. I listened to what my coaches, trainers, and doctors told me was right and I pressed on. I was the kill leader and couldn’t let my team down. Or so I thought.

Hindsight’s 20/20, but that doesn’t mean that things couldn’t have played out differently. Looking back, I know that I immediately showed signs of impaired concentration, sleep disturbances, depression, and anxiety but attributed these symptoms to the stress of my role on the team. It didn’t quite make sense, though. I completed high school online to train five days a week with the National Team. There was no one in the game more prepared for high stress and the intense demands of student-athlete life than me. I had taught myself both levels of AP Calculus when I was completing high school online. School wasn’t the issue. Yet, towards the end of my freshman season, I found myself struggling to study and concentrate. After we devastatingly lost to LMU in the second round of the NCAA tournament, I fell into a slump that I never really recovered from. I remember asking friends to force me to eat, to sit with me while I studied, and make sure that I at least made an attempt to sleep each night. I was irritable, distracted, and miserable—and I didn’t understand why.

Fast forward about two months to February 2016. By this time, I had a case of shin splints that had not healed at all over three months despite the rest, low-impact exercise regimen, physical therapy, and footwear adjustments that had been made. I wasn’t sleeping. I was overeating, constantly energy-deprived. I dreaded having to go to weights and beach practice. Ask anyone who knew me well—I used to love nothing more than deadlifts, Versa Climbers, beach sprints, and volleyball practice. I was getting severe headaches about three times a week. One day, I nearly collapsed at the student union due to vertigo. I reported all these symptoms to my trainer, was prescribed anti-inflammatories and sent on my way. But, things kept getting worse. Having no experience with mental health issues of any kind and no clue that my symptoms could be linked to concussions, I was totally in the dark as to what was happening to me.

To keep it short, I won’t go into the details of the following months. But when August 2016 came around and my sophomore season began, I was still on a downward spiral and was utterly lost, confused, and stressed. Everything was getting worse and people kept telling me I seemed fine, which didn’t help, as you can imagine. By mid-September, things hit a breaking point. I had what I think was a sort of post-concussive panic attack on the court, just a few weeks into my sophomore season. I’d now had shin-splints for a year and, overall, was in pain and absolutely miserable. I was doing everything I could to be dependable and do my job. I was trying to be Hayley, the 2015 National Freshman of the Year, trying to be the leader that my role as co-captain demanded, but I couldn’t do it anymore.

​When I got back to my dorm after a game one evening, I collapsed. My mom came to check on me and for three hours I cried, immobilized and despondent. She called the sports psychologist. After a lot of demanding and begging, I was finally referred to Stanford Psychiatry. The next day I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and handed a prescription for Prozac. Days later, I ended up in a boot with a very swollen foot. I had a stress fracture from having played on shin splints for so long, except they told me I’d be fine within 48 hours. In actuality, it took me three months before I could walk without pain. At this point, I was mentally getting worse and was utterly non-functional in life. My mom basically did not leave my side for weeks, travelling with us and staying in a hotel near campus because I couldn’t do anything for myself anymore. Making it through each day was the most daunting and challenging thing I’d ever faced. It was like running a marathon every single day and never being able to recover. With my mental health deteriorating and my physical health hindered by my injured foot, I asked my family to intervene. I realized that if I tried to keep pushing through all this pain, juggling school and practice and travel and games and college life, I wasn’t going to make it to the end of the season. It was a terrifying realization, yet one that put a lot into perspective. So, on October 3, 2016, I took a medical leave of absence, supported by the Stanford psychiatrist, team doctor, and my family. It sent a ripple of gossip through the volleyball world and left me rather estranged from my team and most of the Stanford community.

The next six months were lonely and hard. It consisted of me trying to figure out what was going on with my health and why I had become depressed. I cheered my team on from afar as they won a National Championship. My own reality was dark and still didn’t make any sense to me. I had no idea what might have caused this perfect storm of misery and injury. I went to physical therapy three times a week, tried to preserve my athleticism as best I could, went to a psychologist three times a week, and checked in monthly with my physician. But in March, the pieces finally all fell together. I was diagnosed with Post-Concussion Syndrome, a diagnosis used to describe post-concussion complications that linger weeks and months after the standard recovery period. Symptoms include migraines, dizziness, insomnia, impaired concentration, anxiety, and depression, all of which I had. When I returned to Stanford in March of 2017, I met with neuropsychologists, psychiatrists, and neurologists and was advised to medically retire. In total, I had five doctors look at me and tell me that there was no way I should be on a court due to my impaired reaction time and concentration. Each also asked me to consider the risk of continuing to play a sport in which I was likely to receive another hit to the head. After four concussions and who knows how many sub-concussive hits, my health and life have already been affected and I am looking at a future riddled with complications. So, I decided to medically retire.

After a decade competing at a high level in volleyball, I’m stepping aside to allow myself the time and space to heal, pursue new passions, and protect my long-term brain health. The more I learn about concussions, the more I realize that there is still a lack of education about them, especially when it comes to women’s brain injuries. It is a harrowing reality that I have been forced to face. I never asked for all this to happen to me. The course of my college career has been changed, my potential pro career stripped from me, and my long-term health jeopardized. It’s quite scary, actually. That being said, I don’t regret a minute of my volleyball journey and am thankful for everything it taught me.

To every coach, teammate, parent, and fan that has been a part of my career, wished me well, believed in me, supported me, befriended me, and cheered for me, I want to sincerely thank you. You are the people I will remember and cherish forever. I’ve traveled the world thanks to volleyball and some of my happiest memories were made while wearing the red, white, and blue representing this great country with some of the most inspirational and kind teammates and coaches I could have ever asked for. While I won’t miss wearing spandex, I’ll miss getting to be a part of moments like winning the Junior National Championship with my TStreet Team after facing and overcoming seemingly every obstacle. I’ll miss running into a locker room of wonderful, wacky teammates who are always there to make you laugh and help push you towards your next goal. It’s those moments of camaraderie and unified ambition that I’ll miss the most. I cannot even begin to express the gratitude I feel when I look back over the last ten years. Playing volleyball has truly been a gift.

While it’s sad to have to walk away from this sport so much sooner than I’d ever planned, I do have things to look forward to. I’ll be embracing my academic passions as I study abroad at Oxford University in the fall. I’m cultivating my creative side and taking advantage of some of the really cool summer programs that Stanford has to offer (also, if anyone works in film production and wants to mentor an aspiring screenwriter, let me know). As I step out into this next chapter of my life, I feel like I have a responsibility to tell my story and raise awareness for brain injuries, female concussions, and student-athlete rights. There’s a lot of press about football and CTE, but did you know that in the NCAA, women’s volleyball has the 5th highest rate of concussions? I’m 18 months out from my last concussion and am still dealing daily with symptoms. Concussions have changed my life and Post-Concussion Syndrome is no joke. Treasure your health and protect your brain, please. Now, I’d like to invite you all to join me as I embark on new adventures…
32 Comments
Sonya
6/21/2017 02:47:59 pm

We could not be more proud of your enduring integrity and faith in God's plans and purposes for your life. Bless you, Hayley Claire.

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Monica
6/21/2017 04:40:22 pm

I agree that something needs to be done to protect athletes with a concussion from being expected to play again at such a high level. I myself have received a concussion from volleyball but was fortunate enough to have been removed immediately from the situation and placed on a very long return to play plan. I am very sad to see your career have to end prematurely, but you have a beautiful spirit and will do great things no matter what. God bless and good luck in your future.

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Jamie Rodgers
6/21/2017 06:20:49 pm

Haley, I'm so sorry to hear your volleyball career is having to be cut short do to concussions. You were so fun to watch! I am grateful to have had the pleasure of working with you on the court. I have no doubt that God will continue to use you in mighty ways in whatever platform He places you in. Your godly, positive impact has and will go way beyond volleyball. God is directing your steps to amazing things. Keep Him first in all you do. I'm praying for your complete healing! God bless you and keep you close Haley!

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Mel Fair
6/21/2017 07:25:29 pm

Dearest Haley, I have often wondered since learning of your medical leave of absence from Stanford what was happening, but something in my spirit told me that I would know when it was time for me to know and I didn't feel a peace to reach out to your Mom and Dad to find out what was happening for fear of putting them in a position to talk about something that was maybe too painful. To be honest, I am deeply saddened that you were forced to retire medically, but I am so proud of you for meeting it head on and doing what is on your heart to do in terms of educating others and hopefully preventing them from falsely stepping up for the team at the cost of long term health. I know for a fact that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and that our Father has a crazy, beautiful, unpredictable, fabulously perfect plan for you that will bring Him glory, as you continue to seek His face in all things. Thank you for your courage to trust God on your journey and share your story - you have inspired a brother in Christ by doing so... and we are all better off because you are in our lives!!!!

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Nick
6/21/2017 10:30:03 pm

Dear Hayley,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am your Stanford fan half way around the world in Thailand. I have been waiting for you to return to the court since you left without any knowledge how your mental health have been after several concussions. Thank you for telling us. We will miss you on the court. I wish you the best with your journey. I am sure you will succeed in whatever you are doing. We will always be your fans!!!

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Steve
6/22/2017 03:28:20 am

Hayley -

Thank you for your bravery in sharing your personal experiences with your family, friends, and fans.

When the news of your medical leave of absence became public during your sophomore season, my heart and mind "knew" your volleyball career was unfortunately over. :-(

I have suffered from Post Concussion Syndrome for nearly 50 years. Knocked out cold twice from freak accidents as a child. Numerous concussions as an adult from accidents, clumsiness, and the ridiculous stupidity of self learning MMA with friends.

I am so sorry you had to deal with coaches and trainers who failed you miserably. In my mind, this appears to explain John Dunning's sudden retirement, aka right time to retire.

I am so sorry if your former teammates or friends failed to support you and believe you during this tragic time.

I wish you all the best in every single day of your life. Always remain open about your experiences with doctors, family, and close friends. Never fear seeking help.

My cousin has won 3 Emmy Awards as a producer at ESPN. If you email me and are interested, I could check to see if he would be interested in mentoring you in some way.

God Bless You. Smile and Laugh as often as possible. It is the best medicine.

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Silvia Mendes
6/22/2017 09:16:49 am

Dear Hayley, I am so proud of you. Decisions like the one you made are hard, you need to be corageous and truly believe that life is a journey where we have many roles, so we must look forward to what God has planned for us. Love you !

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Mariah Bell
6/22/2017 10:27:34 am

Hayley,

Thank you for sharing your story to the world. I am beyond proud of you and all the accomplishments you have achieved. The decisions that you have had to make in your career at Sanford have not been easy, but it amazes me how head strong you have been in accepting what is happening and moving on. Like you said, God has a plan. It may not be what you thought it was, but he is guiding you on another path that I am sure will end in success. Keep your head up. Enjoy your journey that you are taking. I will always be with you <3

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RWS
6/22/2017 11:16:34 am

hero [heer-oh], noun
1. a person who has special achievements, courageous acts, abilities, or personal qualities and is regarded as a role model or ideal.

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Teresa Roberson link
6/22/2017 02:12:21 pm

Hayley ~ I have prayed for you so often over the last year. I know the physical pain you have endured in addition to the mental turmoil would have been impossible to handle without your parents and your Heavenly Father. You are an amazing young woman, a model of Godly character and I know that HE has GREAT plans for you! Much love, many prayers and tons of hugs, Teresa

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Kathy Wolf
6/23/2017 11:08:42 am

Dear Hayley - thank you for sharing your continuing story. I am an old friend of your mom from Hollywood days. My heart aches for your journey, mom and family. My son is sufferering from PCS as well and it is an arduous and long recovery and I understand the dark days and lack of being able to do anything about it - the fear of full recovery and understanding God's Perfect Plan. You have phenomenal parents and I am praising God they have been there to walk through this with you and will continue to do so. Everyday I tell my self - God is still on the throne. Bless you.

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Nicole Otto Surkis
6/24/2017 08:37:09 am

Hayley,
I thank you for sharing your talent and commend you for making a difficult choice.
I am a Stanford volleyball alum, played on the '94 and '96 National Championship teams, and dealt with the heartbreak of injury and the challenge of redefining yourself post-volleyball. Importantly, I am now a primary care sports medicine physician for students at Penn and taking care of concussions and mental health is my passion. Should you ever want an ear to listen / someone to bounce things off of, I am here for you. Shoot me an email, and we'll connect.
All the best,
Nikki

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Sonya Hodson
12/1/2017 08:23:15 pm

I would love to connect with you to discuss your work.

I’m Hayley’s mom.

Thanks,

Sonya 310-266-9845

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Michael Cabal
6/24/2017 06:48:17 pm

Reading your story brings tears to my eyes, a sport you love & (in my eyes) being treated like shit, coaches, Dr, trainners, nothing on thier mind,s except win, not a single care about you.You are brave to have written this with no animosities toward the professionals.

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Tammy
6/28/2017 07:37:25 pm

Whether you ever decide to go back to volleyball or not please check out this place, www.cognitivefx.com, for the current and future health of your brain. They work miracles!

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Tammy
6/28/2017 07:43:23 pm

Sorry - the website is: www.cognitivefxusa.com.

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Lisa Marquart
6/29/2017 12:59:29 pm

Hello Hayley-
Your writing moved me to tears You are such a lovely example to my 18 year old daughter who is heading to Standford Pediatric Pain Rehab in two weeks for an 18 month post Concussive CONSTANT migraine. There are many similarities to your stories. If you feel like emailing me ( the mom ) back - I would love Courtney to meet you some day. She is a tough cookie but has suffered so much Congrats on discovering so many other gifts . Best Wishes in your endeavors 😀

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Randy Rosso
7/19/2017 07:13:43 pm

Hayley,

Long time Stanford sports fan here. Thank you for sharing your story. I had wondered what had happened to you when you took medical leave last season. Now that it's permanent, I feel for you in having to make a very tough decision. Echoing a posting above, it sounds like Coach Dunning and the trainers have some explaining to do. You had a condition that needed so much more attention than you were given.

Best wishes to you in your new post-volleyball life. You will find your way and be successful in whatever you do. And I hope your condition clears up 100%. Enjoy your time at Oxford.

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George Romerte
7/25/2017 12:11:27 pm

Poor Hayley! Just like Cynthia Barboza - top national recruit, national team experience, then BOOM! The expectations crumble and volleyball became a detriment to the character development of a promising athlete! You are original but the story is not! Shrug it off! Who cares! In 1 billion years when our souls are reminiscing on the brief second we were human, I doubt the injuries, achievements, pain, and glory will matter. Just do you and live your life and don't invest to much time explaining your past circumstances. The past is over! It doesn't exist but we think it does because it exists in our minds. Focus on now. It is the only guaranteed thing you own. Good luck fellow millennial and I hope blogging about yourself brings about the fulfillment you desire!

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Jeanette Elliott
8/1/2017 04:48:02 am

I don't know when I first noticed you, but in the vb world, you stood out. Your skills, but even more so, your character. Several years ago I read an article about your vb career and gave it to my daughter to read...a 14 yr old just starting her own vb journey.
During the recent vb season, I noticed you weren't on the court and searched to find out why, but online articles were vague. I just happened to come across your blog and wow. You are amazing to persevere through these unbelievably harsh circumstances!! I have a feeling tho, that these things aren't the end of your story. Your journey inspires me to take whatever life hands me and make the very best of it. Thank you for sharing your heart, it is beautiful!💗

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Won Cho
8/28/2017 08:18:18 pm

Hayley,

My daughter suffered a volleyball related concussion earlier this year during club VB season. Our family didn't really understand what was really happening at the time. She has now recovered well and playing for her high school varsity team. I'm hoping she won't go through what you had to go through, but I'm so thankful for your frank and heart-felt account of what you dealt with so that others can have a better understanding of what can happen.

My daughter and I have had Stanford women's volleyball season tickets for many years, including your phenomenal freshman season. Understanding that you will likely never play another Stanford VB point, you will always be a champion in our minds. You are a huge part of the 2016 national championship. The NCAA and Stanford should make it official!

I'm looking forward to seeing your movies in the future. I have no doubts about your success!

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Sonya
9/13/2017 05:26:10 pm

Seeking to stay up to date on brain injury connections.

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Jeff
9/17/2017 08:09:57 pm

Hayley,
I have to confess I'm an Oregon Duck alum and volleyball fan. But I live in San Francisco and often attend and watch Stanford volleyball games. You deserved freshman player of the year and I LOVED watching you play with passion and power.
I missed you last season and I just saw you weren't playing this year so I found your blog. I am so impressed by your courage and honesty in going through such terrifying circumstances. Thank you for sharing your story and raising awareness of concussions in female sports.
Take good care of your physical and mental health! And best of luck in all you do!
Jeff

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Jim Davis link
9/30/2017 08:00:41 pm

HI Haley,
I`m so sorry for your athletic retirement and health struggles.

Your concussion description is 100% on the money. I have a friend stuck in a concussion with inflamed brain nerves for the past 23 months. (concussion post on my Jim Davis Facebook)
My favorite memory of your play at Stanford was you 'flying' out of the backcourt, like a super hero, spiking to space!! I also loved your 'trouble' serves separating the score by 4-5 points! Your leadership was earned, respected and amazing!
The Lord is using your testimony to minister to young girls paralyzed in secret fear from this medical mystery and fall-out...

Jim Davis

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Chuck Ebertin
10/8/2017 08:03:37 am

Sorry to see this happen to another Stanford athlete. Thank you for sharing your story and wish you good luck in your academic pursuits.

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rozanne sutherland
10/12/2017 04:31:38 pm

I am a fan of yours from volleyball and now off the court too. You are an inspiration to so many. I think you should produce a film about your experience! All the best to you in your future endeavors!

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Humberto
11/12/2017 10:43:07 am

Bummer so hate injuries well i wish u the best in all u do keep shining

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karen Covell
2/9/2018 02:58:02 pm

Hayley, Thanks SO MUCH for writing this article. I have followed your volleyball career as a friend of your parents and through our community in Hollywood and this is SO IMPORTANT for people in the media to know about. We can further the exposure of this issue so that people will be forced to do more about it. You are a brave young woman and because you're speaking out you can change the future of sports! THANK YOU! Karen Covell

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Ashara Love
6/17/2018 12:32:50 am

I am 20 years post concussion. I had no idea for ten years and no diagnosis for 13 years. Knowledge is power. I got significantly better when I changed my 'healthy' vegetarian diet to Paleo. I have learned much in the past six years and have helped many understand their cognitive injury and what they can do to mitigate symptoms and improve their quality of life.

I am very impressed with your perseverance and hope you get the support you need.

To me it's criminal to keep pushing athletes in circumstances like yours.

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Edward T Kelly
12/14/2020 07:53:05 am

Hayley,
I am so sorry you are suffering with this horrendous injury. I was diagnosed with PC syndrome after a bad road bike head injury, followed within months by 2 rear-end car accidents (people driving & texting & hitting me at 45 miles an hour without breaking). Functional MRIs show serious frontal lobal damage. Like you Hayley, I had all the horrible symptoms of depression, difficulty with concentrating, light and sound sensitivity, 24/7 pressure/pain in my head, and crazy amounts of exhaustion. I literally could (and did!) sleep all day and all night (although waking up dozens of times each night). After a while, even my family found it difficult to have much empathy when I would say "I'm concussed" when explaining some mistake or forgetfulness, or need to excuse myself so I could get into bed.
It has now been about 4 years. The first 2-3 where just horrible. I am feeling much better now after getting deep and diversified levels of blood testing, and addressing things like cellular health, hormone balance, gut health, etc. I am back on my road bike, and prepping for my 4th "Triple Bypass" ride in Colorado this July. Like you, I continue to live with the reality that I am forever changed. You are an impressive person Hayley. Your future is so wonderful. I am praying for stem cell treatments, or some other medical breakthrough, that may heal the myelin sheath around the nerves. I know it is coming. You and many younger athletes (and others with PCS) will certainly benefit from these medical breakthroughs. I am 67, so I don't know if I'll be around long enough to benefit, but I plan on it!!
Best wishes to you. If I can ever be of any service to you, please feel free to write. etkelly711@gmail.com
Your fan,
Ed

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Denise Spooner
12/17/2020 07:18:01 am

Dear Hayley Hodson,

Thank you for sharing your story with readers of the Los Angeles Times. I am now 65 and have had several mild to moderately severe concussions across my life, the last a moderately severe one as a result of a bike crash. It took a long time to recover. I was a professor at CSU Fullerton at the time and, undoubtedly, was sometimes quite confusing to students in my classes, particularly when I’d have momentary black-outs and not be able to recall the first part of a student’s question. Fortunately, i had shared news of the concussion with them so most were understanding. Still, it was a very challenging time. Vertigo was a problem, cognitive issues arose, and I experienced a prolonged period of depression—-all symptoms familiar to you. The upshot of this is, student athletes need to be better protected under all circumstances. At most colleges and universities, student athletes are like golden charms, used to burnish their image, their brand. When their value diminishes, they are tossed aside like tarnished pieces of jewelry. They will make every effort to get as much value from student athletes as possible. It’s a delicate balance. The student wants to play their sport and get an education—unfortunately, often in tnat order of priorities. The school prioritizes the student the same way. If it were reversed, if the school valued the student as a student first, they would do more to protect them. Thank you for your efforts to reveal the problems, the costs to young people, in this situation. I will keep you in my prayers, asking for continued healing and a future with more peace, an end to this painful period.

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Deb Smith
12/30/2020 06:10:36 am

You have chosen to make a difference in the care of female athletes as well as for the horrific effects of concussions for all. Your gift as a remarkable athlete was simply part of a journey to make much needed changes for women, and all athletes, in pain.

I am a first generation Title IX recipient. It has always shocked me that as opportunities have exploded for female athletes, their health care and treatment of injuries has progressed very little. We are still treated as small versions of men. While concussions affect both sexes, you still have to wonder if being female played a part in the way the concussion affected you .

My story- a ruptured SIJ (sacroiliac joint) ligament during a ski fall many years ago. I was misdiagnosed for 4 years as “chronic pelvic pain/endometriosis”( my right side felt like it was constantly ripping apart). I had a great GYN who searched constantly for answers . It was the orthopedic community who told me they didn’t treat pelvic pain and sent me back to my GYN for treating endometriosis. I kept telling them I could not walk without severe pain that sent me to the ER every other weekend. Medical training for those who treat us has apparently not moved forward as the number of female athletes has soared.

It was a brilliant physical therapist who finally found my answer- a ruptured SI joint that was leaking synovial fluid on the nerves.

There will be times you will need to hand off the torch to simply take care of yourself- don’t forget that part! The life lesson ( from Oprah) that it took me a lifetime to learn:
“You can’t take care of someone else unless you take care of you first.”
Stick it on your mirror.

Good luck with your journey. You have already made a tremendous difference just by telling your story.

Deb

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